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This page is the transcript for A Time to Rob and Slam

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West Portland High School. Shelby and Cyd are in science class.

Shelby: Add two more milliliters, add one more milliliter. Okay, perfect. This is the exact shade of purple I'm trying to find a purse in!

Cyd: That would so go with your "this color" jacket.

Mr. Doyle: So, it's time to assign lab partners.

Cyd: Oh, I call Shelbs. We're awesome lab partners.

Shelby: Look how well this bag goes with this jacket.

Mr. Doyle: Actually, I'm gonna switch things up here. I need some juicy gossip. No one in the teacher's lounge wants to hear about lab partners who get along. All they want to talk about is Mrs. Jensen's new baby. I can't compete with that. Nobody thinks it's cute when I take an underpants picture in a flower basket. Cyd, you'll be with Tim.

Cyd: Mr. Doyle, not Shy Tim. You can't even talk to him. He dropped his wallet once and I tried to pick it up and give it back to him and he ran away. It was the easiest 20 bucks I ever made. So yeah, pair me with Shy Tim.

Mr. Doyle: You know, rumor has it, Shy Tim's a real chatterbox at home. At least, that's what I heard. Okay then. (leaves)

Cyd: Man, Mr. Doyle is way into gossip.

Shelby: Everyone knows, Dishy Doyle loves the hot goss.

Mr. Doyle: (re-enters) What are you talking about?

Shelby: I'm just wondering who my lab partner is.

Mr. Doyle: Ah, I'm pairing you with Rob. He says he can dunk, but I've never seen it. Okay, then.

Shelby: Oh, not The Rob. He's so obnoxious.

The Rob: Hey, Shel-bow. Rhymes with elbow. Shelbo-elbow, the dweebo.

Shelby: That doesn't rhyme.

The Rob: Then you're Sheebo The Dweebo. You got a clown name. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Hey! Look at me! I'm Sheebo. I'm a Dweebo. Better call the cops. You just got robbed.

Shelby: Trade with me.

Cyd: I would, but Shy Tim's wallet's starting to poke out and I'm feeling lucky.

Theme song.

Marcus family backyard. Barry and Naldo are setting up a movie.

Barry: Can you believe the school is allowing us to watch movies at home during school hours simply because we called it Independent Cinema Studies?

Naldo: I believe a lot of things that happen. Thanks for asking.

Barry: We are going to have so much fun tearing apart Spark Dynamo. How can anyone be dim enough to actually like a movie about a space cowboy?

Naldo: You have the right to remain space dust. I was charging my Spark Dynamo belt buckle.

Belt buckle: The bigger they are, the harder they punch. That's physics!

Barry: I love that you put on this ridiculous costume to watch this ridiculous movie.

Naldo: Are we watching a ridiculous movie? I thought we were watching Spark Dynamo. It's the movie that both started and ended the space-western craze of January 1993.

Barry: Wait, do you really like this movie or are you making fun of it.

Naldo: Why would we make fun of it? It's the greatest movie ever made. Starring my favorite actor, Vance Carroway. On the DVD commentary, the director called him "the only actor I could get." And his mother called him "an interesting choice."

Marci: Hiya, guys! Is this the Independent Cinema Studies? I almost walked past it but luckily I kept my head up. It's like my grand-cousin Charlene says. "Always keep your head up, and your enemies closer!"

Barry: So how did you find out about our little film group? We purposely didn't tell anyone because... Well, how can I say this without making it sound bad. It's a-

Naldo: (interrupting) Secret scam. That's what you called it, Barry. He also said not to tell anyone. Which is why my lips are sealed.

Marci: I heard about it from Mr. Doyle.

Barry: Aw man! Dishy Doyle loves the hot goss.

Naldo: Marci, you're just in time. We are about to watch Spark Dynamo.

Marci: Ooh, I've never seen that.

Naldo: Oh, it's the best.

Barry: You really are serious about this. You like that movie?

Naldo: Oh, I don't like it.

Barry: Oh phew!

Naldo: I love it!

Barry: Ah, shuds! As soon as I said phew I knew that was coming. Well there's clearly only one way to settle this.

Naldo: Fisticuffs?

Barry: No, and I regret teaching you that word. We will watch the movie with Marci and let her see if it's good or bad.

Skips to the end of the movie

Spark Dynamo: The universe is expanding. So in a way, we're all headed west. (THE END)

Barry and Naldo: (unison) There. See? I was right.

Marci: I see your point. (Marci leaves)

Barry and Naldo: (still unison) Whose point?

West Portland High School. Cyd and Shy Tim are in science class working on an experiment.

Cyd: Who does Doyle think he is? Splitting me and Shelbs up just to create some gossip. Shelby and I do everything together. And Tim. You should be with your girlfriend, Jane. Look at poor Shelby over there.

Rob: Someday, you can tell your kids: "Hey kids, I know you think my life is just one big pile of nothing. But once in high school, I was lab partners with the Rob. Rob five! (high fives himself)

Shelby: Okay look. We have to do this together-

Rob: Sheebo, there is no together. I'm way too hot for you. When I'm 18, I'm getting a tattoo of my face, on my face, so I'll be twice as good-looking. Rob pose.

Shelby: Rob, seriously can we-

Rob: Hey! You should get a tattoo of my face on your face! (points at face) It'll fix all that!

Cyd: Shelby, you don't have to take this. Slam him back.

Shelby: But I'm terrible at slams. Every time I say "your mama!" it ends with "is a very lovely lady."

Rob: Hey, dweebo. Let's try this on for size. (tapes a picture of his face on Shelby's face) Now you're looking fine. What happened to you over the summer?

Cyd: That's it. I'm going to drop it.

Shelby: No, no. I'm not going to let you get in trouble for me. I'll try to slam him back. Rob, you're so dumb. You left the light on in the bathroom even though your mom told you to turn it off. Why don't you listen to your momma? She's a very lovely lady! Slam! Eat them eggs!

Rob: Thanks for the eggs, dweebo. The Rob loves eggs! (pretends to eat eggs) Rob blamo! (makes explosion noise)

Shelby: See? I told you I'm bad at slams. Mr. Doyle, this lab whole partner pairing is only for today, right?

Mr. Doyle: Nope, it's for the rest of the year. Oh, I'm going to get some hot goss out of this. I'm going to eat baby Jensen's lunch. Which is strained peas and apricots now. So, that's kind of weird. Okay then.

Shelby: How am I going to get through a whole year of the Rob?

Cyd: Slam him back. It's the only way to shut him up.

Shelby: But you just saw how terrible I am at it.

Cyd: I'll train you. We'll work on it for as long as it takes.

Shelby: That's okay. I'll just ignore him. (sits in her seat)

Rob: (uses hand puppet) "I'm Sheebo, the dweebo." That's you. That's what you sound like. Robersenation!

Shelby: Teach me. Teach me everything you know!

Commercial Break

After school, Shelby's room. Shelby and Cyd are wearing their athletic wear and Cyd is massaging Shelby's arms.

Cyd: Alright! We're going to train you to outslam the Rob. I'm foregoing all homework to focus on this.

Shelby: You always forego all homework.

Cyd: Yeah, but this time it's to focus on this. You ready?

Shelby: Ready.

Cyd: I put Rob's face on this punching bag. Let him have it.

Shelby: Let's do this! Meanie! Nerd!

Cyd: Hit him harder!

Shelby: Loser! Butt face! Chump!

Cyd: Faster!

Shelby: Dork! Dummy! Doofus! Dingus!

Cyd: You're stuck in the Ds, get out of the Ds!

Shelby: Jerk! Weablo!

Cyd: That's a boy scout.

Shelby: Goosen! Cheesel! Pitpot!

Cyd: Now you're just making up words!

Shelby: Dork! Loser! Buttface! Loser! Chump!

Cyd: Nice domination! I think you're ready! Now let's go back to this morning and give it to him!

They hug, time traveling to the morning in science class.

Rob: Thanks for the eggs, dweebo. The Rob loves eggs! (pretends to eat eggs)

Shelby: Ew! Next time you eat eggs off my face, don't brush your teeth with a dog's butt!

Students begin to watch them

Rob: Then stop wiping your butt with my toothbrush! Standing rob-vation. (claps)

Shelby: Uh...

Cyd: You're not ready! You're not ready!

They hug, time traveling to the afterschool training session.

Shelby: You're so dumb! All you can do is lay eggs! Why am I yelling at a chicken?

Cyd: Chickens have the highest self-esteem of any animal. If you can make a chicken cry, you can take down anybody.

Shelby: Drumsticks? More like dumb sticks! Is it working? Is it crying?

Cyd: Who knows? It's a chicken. Let's just go with yes.

They hug, time traveling to the morning in science class.

Shelby: Well, you're girlfriend called. She said (imitates monkey) PICK ME UP AT 8!

Rob: Yeah? Well, you can't even call your boyfriend, because he gave you a fake phone number!

Shelby: At least I got a phone. Yours got disconnected! Eh?

No one laughs. Shelby hugs Cyd and jumps to the afternoon again.

Shelby: Why didn't that work?

Cyd: You didn't say it right. You forgot the "Wha?" at the end.

They link arms, time traveling to the morning in science class.

Shelby: Yours got disconnected, wha?!

Students: (laugh)

Rob: Well, uh...

Shelby: Great comeback, slack-jaw. You might want to close your mouth. The flies are getting out. Wha-wha?!

Students: (laugh)

Rob: Well, uh, I, uh...

Shelby: I'm tired of looking at this! Shelboom! (tapes a picture of herself to Rob's face)

Rob: The Rob has got better things to do! The Rob out!

Students: (applaud Shelby)

Cyd: Shelby, you did it! You outrobbed the Rob! Shelblamo!

Shelby: Yeah. I outrobbed the Rob.

Cyd: What's the matter? This is what we have been training for!

Shelby: I don't know. It just doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.

Mr. Doyle: {comes in) I just got back from the copy machine. I made this for baby Jensen's face. That's what you kids now, right? You put your face on other people's faces? Oay then.

High School Commons. Naldo and Barry are talking.

Naldo: Okay Barry. You think Spark Dynamo is terrible and I think it's amazing. So I will recreate to most epic action scene in the movie to prove my point. (holds a toy astronaut and dinosaur) Pew pew Pew! Grr grr grr! Pew pew pew! Grr grr grr!

Barry: Ronaldo! You did it! You proved it's a great movie!

Naldo: Really?

Barry: No! Pew pew pew grr grr grr?

Naldo: And then what happens?

Barry: Alright, you've presented your evidence that Spark Dynamo is good. Now I'll present my evidence that it's bad. Meet the star of the movie, Mr. Dynamo himself. Vance Carroway.

Vance: You have the right to remain space dust!

Naldo: Oh my gosh! Mr. Carroway, I can't believe you came to our school!

Vance: I'll do anything for my fans! Now, I heard there was going to be press here. 'Cause I need publicity. So I can show my new movie, Crab-normal Behavior. It's about crabs that aren't acting right.

Barry: The press will be here later. I believe you have something to tell my friend.

Vance: Yes. For 50 dollars, you can get a t-shirt with a crab on it. For 75 dollars, you can get a crab. For 100 dollars, I'll come to your house and I'll cook the crab.

Barry: I'll gave you 150 dollars if you say that thing we talked about.

Vance: Absolutely, my new associate producer. Spark Dynamo is the worst movie ever made.

Naldo: I don't understand. You came here dressed as Spark Dynamo. You were so good in it.

Vance: You're right. I was. But the material wasn't nearly up to my talent. See, I am a classy re-trained actor. I could have been Marcus Antonius, saying "cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war" instead of Spark Dynamo saying "cry havoc, and let slip the space dogs of space war." Wait a minute. That is very similar. They based off Spark Dynamo from Shakespeare!

Naldo: Well, if Vance Carroway says it's a terrible movie, I guess it is. You win, Barry. You were right.

Barry: Wait, Ronaldo, where are you going? We still have to pick the next movie for Cinema Studies.

Vance: And remember, Ronaldo. In the words of Spark Dynamo, "follow the yellow brick star."

Barry: Which is stolen from...

Vance: Oh, you're kidding me. How did I not put that together?

At a table near the lockers, Cyd walks up to Shelby, holding two trays with food.

Shelby: Thanks, but I'm not hungry.

Cyd: Oh, did you think? Yeah, right. One of these was for you. But I guess if you don't want it, I can eat them both.

Shelby: I thought taking down the Rob would feel great, but I still feel bad.

Cyd: Don't worry about Rob. He slams people nonstop. All you did was slam back.

Shelby: Well that's just it. I don't want to be like the Rob. He's a jerk. What's his problem anyway?

Mr. Doyle sets a chair between Cyd and Shelby and sits down.

Mr. Doyle: What are we talking about? The Rob? He was a nice guy in middle school. Until that girl broke his heart.

Shelby: A girl broke his heart?

Mr. Doyle: Last Valentine's Day. Right here in this commons. The Rob put his heart out there and some ice cold Felicia shoved it back in his face. At least that's what I heard. (walks away with the chair}

Cyd: So the Rob is a jerk because some ice cold Felicia broke his heart.

Shelby: That's it. We can jump back and keep that from happening. The Rob won't become a jerk and I won't have to feel like a jerk. This is perfect, Cyd. I want to use time travel to help people. Not to hurt them.

Shelby hugs Cyd and they travel to Valentine's Day 2015. Suddenly they are standing in the commons with decorations and posters.

Shelby: Alright, there he is. Now let's watch, and see which girl he goes up to, and that's the ice cold Felicia. Then we'll figure out some way to stop her from breaking his heart.

Cyd: To turn Rob into the Rob, she must have been horrible.

Shelby: I can't even imagine what sick, cruel, monster she is. (The Rob approaches Shelby, holding a box of chocolates)

Rob: Excuse me Shelby? These are yours.

Shelby: No, those aren't mine.

Rob: But I just... wanted to...

Shelby: Give them to the girl you like. I'm rooting for you buddy!

Cyd: Um, Shelby?

Shelby: Ooh, I want to see which girl it is.

Rob hits his head against a locker.

Shelby: Oh. I'm the ice cold Felicia. (Cyd nods her fast quickly)

Commercial Break

In the Marcus family backyard, Barry is cleaning some trash. He picks up Naldo's Spark Dynamo belt.

Belt buckle: It's always hot we you're on the Sun!

Barry: Well I can't argue with that. (Marci approaches Barry)

Marci: Hiya Barry!

Barry: Sorry Marci. There's no more cinema studies. Ronaldo got all sad and quit. And why are you wearing a skirt made of garbage?

Marci: It's a new thing I'm trying out: clothes made out of garbage. My underpants are half a watermelon rind with a couple leg holes cut in it. You might think it's weird. But I like it!

Barry: You can't possibly like it.

Marci: But, I do.

Barry: But, you can't.

Marci: But, I do.

Barry: But, you can't.

Marci: But, I do.

Barry: But, you can't!

Marci: But, I do.

Barry: But, you can't?

Marci: But, I do.

Barry: But, you do. This is just what happened with me and Ronaldo. It's not about whether the movie is good or bad. If he likes it, that's all that matters. Thank you Marci, for opening my eyes.

Marci: But, I didn't.

Barry: But, you did.

Marci: But, I didn't.

Barry: I'm not doing this!

Marci: But, you are!

Barry: No!

Valentine's Day 2015. Rob walks away from the lockers and Cyd pulls and eats some chocolates out of the trash.

Cyd: You really didn't miss out on much. These are all coconut.

Shelby: I can't believe I'm the one who broke the Rob's heart and turned him into a jerk.

Cyd: How did you not know when he originally came up to you and gave you chocolates?

Shelby: Well he said they were mine. Like I dropped them or something. you can tell I never know if a boy likes me. (Another boy approaches Shelby with flowers) Hey Ryan! Some lucky girl is really going to like those, huh?

Cyd: So, what are you going to do about the Rob?

Shelby: I'll just thank him for the chocolates, let him down easy so his feelings aren't hurt, and everything will be fine.

Later...

Shelby: We're going out this Saturday.

Cyd: Oh Shelby, you didn't.

Shelby: He was so sad and it made him so happy, and it's just one date. And we can jump back to the present so we can skip over it. It's like it never happened..

Shelby puts her arm around Cyd and jumps back to present day 2015. Shelby is sitting on the table again.

Shelby: Phew! I hope that worked.

Cyd: Shelby! (points to Shelby's shirt that changed)

Shelby: I'm with the Rob?

Rob: Yeah you are, Shelbaby! Let me some of those sweet kisses off your face. (pretends to eat kisses) Girl, you are Robdorable!

Shelby: Ha ha! Hehe, what have I done?

In the commons, Naldo and Marci are walking together.

Naldo: I really like that garbage skirt. Can you make something for me?

Marci: I do have another half of watermelon.

Naldo: Sweet, I could use some new underpants.

Marci: So, Barry said you should walk through there.

Naldo: Whoa. This place looks just like the Comet Cantina from Spark Dynamo.

Barry: (enters wearing a Spark Dynamo costume) You have the right to remain space dust!

Naldo: Barry, you look just like-

Barry: That's right, Spark Dynamo.

Belt buckle: If I eat any more beans, I'll be a gas giant.

Naldo: Do you like Spark Dynamo now?

Barry: No! No! Oh heavens no! It's a turd. But I was wrong for not letting you enjoy that turd. I'm sorry.

Naldo: Thanks for dressing up so awesome, just for me.

Barry: No, I'm humiliating myself, just for you.

Naldo: Well I think it's pretty awesome. In the words of Spark Dynamo, "Here's looking at you, zorblob."

Marci: That goat keeps eyeing my garbage skirt. Why is there a goat in here anyway?

Barry: It's a terrible movie!

Shelby and Cyd enter the Comet Cantina.

Shelby: I can't believe I've been dating the Rob since Valentine's Day.

Cyd: I can't believe there's a Space Cantina in the commons. I'll have two of whatever the goat's having.

Shelby: I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt him. I guess I'm going to have to stay with him. We'll get married and two kids named little the Rob and little the Roberta. And every morning I'll make them eggs, but they'll want to eat them off my face, because the Rob loves eggs.

Cyd: Okay. Maybe I shouldn't have encouraged you to slam him because that's not you. But you shouldn't be dating him either.

Shelby: Yeah, you know what? You're right. I'll just be nice and tell him that I can't date him.

Rob: Shelby.

Shelby: Rob, we need to talk.

Rob: Me first. I'm dumping you.

Shelby: What?

Rob: You know, I was eating those kisses off your face but I realized I was just faking it. So the Rob is out. And I'm going to need that shit back. I want to give it to this little firecracker over here. (Rob puts his arm around Cyd's shoulder)

Cyd: Ha, ha, ha, UGH! (gut-punches Rob)

Rob: Oh! The Rob down, the Rob down!

Shelby: So pretty much in any timeline the Rob turns into a jerk?

Cyd: Yep, not your fault.

Shelby: Then can we go back and erase the timeline where I dated him?

Cyd: That's what I'm smacking about! (They high five and erase the timeline)

Back in the Marcus home, Shelby and Cyd are watching a movie. Cyd is braiding Shelby's hair.

Text: Vance Carroway is Spark Dynamo.

Spark Dynamo: Quasar kid! Who did this to you? Pew, pew! Pew, pew! You know what captain Capricorn? I think you and I are going to be goat friends.

Goat: Bah!

Spark Dynamo: Ha ha! You said it, buddy. - Pew, pew! Pew, pew!

Cyd: I love this movie!

Shelby: But it's terrible!

Cyd: Then you're going to hate this.

Text: From the mind of Vance Carroway.

Vance: Something's wrong. Those crabs aren't acting right. Coming soon. Crabnormal Behavior. It's about crab who aren't acting right.

Shelby: We're going to see that?

Cyd: Are you kidding, Barry's an associate producer!

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