A Time to Cheat/Transcript
A Time to Jump and Jam/Transcript
2015, Cyd, Shelby, Bret, Chet, and Astrid are at the table.
Astrid: Cyd, in honor of the one-month anniversary of you coming to live with us, I've prepared a special dish.
Cyd: Good, 'cause I've got just the hole in my face to stuff it into.
Shelby: Cyd, are you eating before Mom tells the story of the meal?
Cyd: (mouthfull) No. Maybe. No.
Astrid: Kids, tonight's dinner is a free-trade casserole with sustainable mixed-veggies and cruelty-free chicken.
Cyd: How can chicken be cruelty-free? It's not still alive, is it?
Astrid: Well, no. But it was cruelty-free right until the end, where they probably had to use a tiny-little bit of cruelty. Just enough to... (hesitates) The skin is really crispy!
Shelby: Like Chet at the water park.
Cyd: Oh, I get it. He got sunburned at the water park.
Astrid: No, he really likes the crispy chicken there. We don't joke about sunburn.
Shelby: With our family's complexion, we all fry up like center-cut bacon.
Cyd: Oh, I had no idea. Sorry, Chet.
Bret: I'm Bret. You can tell because I have more freckles. And he's the ladies' man.
Astrid: Well, everybody dig in.
Cyd: This is delicious, Astrid. Even before my parents left for their archeological dig, they were never really around much for family dinners.
Astrid: Well, we are, and we want you to feel like this is your home.
Cyd: Then set me in front of the television with a leftover beef rib and go do your thing! Ha-ha-ha! Would you laugh if I said the rib was crispy?
Astrid: Oh no, sweetheart. That means you're not cooking them properly.
Norm: I'm home.
Chet and Bret: Hi, Dad.
Shelby: Hey, Dad! How was work?
Norm: Oh, just another soul-crushing day trapped in the toothless maw of corporate America. How was your day, sweetie?
Shelby: Dad, you're such a kidder.
Norm: Sure, let's go with that.
Cyd: Mr. Marcus, what exactly do you do? I've never really been sure.
Norm:Well, a lot of people think that accounting is boring but what they don't realize, there's a lot of math involved.
Chet: Cyd, for your one month-aversary We made you a cake! Let's go finish decorating it, Bret!
Bret: To the bedroom, Chet!
Norm: They're decorating a cake in their bedroom?
Astrid: Our boys are free spirits, Norm. Don't stifle their creativity.
Norm: Is it really creativity, or is it not knowing what different rooms are for? They moved their beds into my mancave.
Astrid: That's their bedroom. Norm: It used to be my mancave.
Chet: (from upstairs) Don't let go of the cart, Bret!
Bret: No, you don't let go of the cart, Chet!
Chet: Is it bad that I'm still gonna eat that?
Barry approaches Cyd and Shelby
Shelby and Cyd: AH!
Shelby: Barry, what are you doing here?
Cyd: You can't just walk into somebody's house.
Barry:I'm not the best at reading social cues, but I'm perceiving an implied dinner invitation.
Shelby: Barry, we finished eating an hour ago.
Barry: Very well, if you insist. It's awkward for me to sit here eating in silence. Please, engage in mindless small talk.
Cyd: That month-aversary dinner was pretty cool.
Shelby: Yeah, my mom's been so excited about it.
Barry: Good. Like that.
Cyd: Your parents are so great. I want to find a special way to thank them for taking me in.
Shelby: Oh, you're doing a special thank you? That's nice.
Cyd: You can help me.
Shelby: Yes! We're gonna come up with such an awesome thank you that they're gonna have to thank us.
Cyd: Then we'll have to come up with an awesome "You're welcome."
Shelby: I have never loved you more!
Barry: I have to say, I don't see the need for any kind of thank you. If someone's doing something nice for you, it's because they want to.
Cyd: You still have to thank people.
Shelby: Yeah, like maybe you have something to say about this food of ours that you're eating.
Barry:Could be warmer.
Shelby: So you never say thank you?
Barry: No. For example, right now, Ronaldo is off at the dump catching rats for my latest experiment. I have no intention of thanking him. He will be greeted by a reminder to sanitize his skin and burn his clothes before re-entering my lab. Followed by a hearty, "What took you so long?"
Shelby: So what are we thinking for this big thank you? Polynesian theme with hula dancers?
Cyd: Ooh, and fire jugglers! Or circus theme with clowns Jumping through hoops of fire!
Shelby: Or a heavy metal theme with a guitar that shoots fire!
Cyd: I have never loved you more. This is going to be the best thank you ever. Nothing says thank you like fire.
Barry: This cake is awful. It tastes like it's been the floor.
Shelby: It was on the floor.
Barry: Well, in that case, it's not bad.
In Barry's Lab, Naldo enters
Naldo: I'm back from the dump and-
Barry: And did you burn your clothes and douse yourself in disinfectant?
Naldo: Oh, right. (later) I'm back from the dump and-
Naldo: Oh, right. (later) I'm back from the dump and-
Barry: After removing the contaminated shoes, did you re-disinfect?
Naldo: Oh, right. (later) I'm back from the dump and...
Barry: "And" what? We don't have all day for your shenanigans.
Naldo: I got this box of rats for our experiment.
Barry: Perfect. We are all set to perform our experiment wherein we will expose these dump rats to the good life then drop them off at the country club and see how they blend in.
Naldo: Is this an experiment, or revenge on the country club for kicking us out?
Barry: Why can't it be both? We will begin by feeding them French Brie and fresh figs on toast points.
Naldo: Oh, that looks so good.
Barry: Ronaldo, would you like a toast point with French Brie and fresh figs?
Naldo: Usually, I like my Brie domestic, but flexibility is the hallmark of a refined palate.
Barry: This is what I get for exposing you to the good life.
Barry: Interesting you should thank me. Cyd and Shelby were just discussing this concept. See, I always believed that, as men of science, we are above social graces. You know, like saying, "Thank you for getting the zargon gas" or, "Please pass the zargon gas," or, "Pardon me for blasting you "with dangerously high levels of zargon gas."
Naldo: I believe you should always be nice, Barry. And no worries about the zargon gas. My bellybutton grew back.
Barry: Well, in that case, Ronaldo, there is something very important I have to say to you. Thank you. For everything.
Naldo: No problem, bud.
Barry: That thank you was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I once had to make a fake belly button out of silicone. I mean, nothing.
Cyd and Shelby's room
Shelby: This big thank you is really coming together. We've got flaming jugglers, flaming hoops, flaming guitars, and waffles, 'cause fire's great, but it's not delicious.
Cyd: I can't wait to see the looks on your parents' faces.
Shelby: We don't have to wait. Let's jump forward.
Jumps to a few hours later, to see a burnt kitchen.
Cyd: You think waffles caused this?
Bret: I'm not hurt, but I love being carried.
Chet: It's like I'm flying, Bret.
Astrid and Norm enter
Astrid: What the heck happened here?
Norm: Your mother asked you a question. What the heck happened here? That's what you said, right? I was a little distracted by the smoke and the burning and the twins riding firemen.
Norm: Girls, I asked you a question. Why won't I leave a job that I hate?
Astrid: Norm, you asked them what happened here.
Norm: Right, right. But if you have an answer to that first question, that would be good, too.
Shelby and Cyd jump to the present
Shelby: 10:03. Good. We're back to before the fire.
Cyd: I don't get it. How could my big thank you go so wrong? Nothing says thank you like fire.
Shelby: But sometimes fire says, "Ah! I'm gonna burn stuff!" (as if talking to a child) Sometimes, fire bad.
Cyd: This is awful. All I wanted to do was thank your parents for letting me stay here.
Shelby: It's great we got that glimpse of the future. Now we can avoid it by doing a big thank you without fire. I mean, other things say thank you. Like making a thank you movie. We could get big stars to be in it by offering them parts they don't usually get to play. Sandy Bullock as the cranky old prospector!
Cyd: here's the thank you in that?
Shelby: In our acceptance speech at the Independent Spirit Awards.
Cyd: It just doesn't feel like me, among many other problems with that. Maybe we should just do something simple and say the words "Thank you."
Shelby: Look, I know my family. Don't give up on big. It's what I always do for them on birthdays and anniversaries. They love it.
Cyd: I hear you, but I got this. This really should be my thank you.
Bret: Cyd, we made you another cake to say:
Chet: Sorry we dropped the first cake. (cake falls downstairs)
Norm: Why does this keep happening?
Barry is in his RV. Cyd enters.
Barry: You're not getting any num-nums until you listen to all four movements of Mozart's Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
Cyd: I wish this was the weirdest thing I've walked in on in this RV. So, I need to find a way to thank Shelby's parents. I'm thinking maybe just a simple thank you.
Barry: Yes. Keep it simple. That's what I did when I thanked Ronaldo.
Cyd: If that's what you did, then it's got to be wrong! You have the emotional IQ of soft toast!
Barry: You mean bread?
Cyd: A thank you is not enough. I need some kind of a gesture.
Barry: Wait, does this mean I need a gesture? I thought I was out clean with the thank you. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me, and I was once hung from the flagpole by someone else's underwear.
Cyd: Words are too little, but fire's too much. What's the sweet spot between soft toast and burning down the house?
Barry: Actual toast?
Cyd: You don't understand anything!
Barry: That's what I've been telling you! The whole human race is a mystery to me. Look at lucky Eleanor. She doesn't have to say thank you. Hence the expression, "Happy as a rat."
Cyd: I'm pretty sure that's not an expression.
Barry: Then if nothing else comes of my research, it will be the expression "Happy as a rat."
Cyd: Hi, Mr. Marcus, Astrid.
Astrid: Oh, Cyd, I'm sure Mr. Marcus wouldn't mind if you called him Norm.
Norm: Actually, I've always secretly wanted to be called Noorm. Are you hearing the difference? It's subtle, but it's there.
Astrid: Just like you, sweetheart.
Cyd: The thing is, you've been so great letting me stay here. I wanted to say thank you in a way that was bigger than words but smaller than burning down the house.
Norm: Was she thinking of burning down our house?
Astrid: Oh, Cyd, it's a plant. Isn't it lovely, Norm?
Norm: I'm still a little stuck on this burning down the house thing.
Shelby: But that plant's not all Cyd did to thank you. She also did this!
Hula dancers, clowns, and rockers enter
Astrid: I love the way you lowered our expectations with the plant, and then boom! Brought the zazzle! Hula dancers, clowns, rockers.
Norm: Oh, I feel thanked.
Bret: Stop trying to lick your fingers while pushing the cake, Chet.
Chet: Stop telling me how to lick my fingers, Bret.
Bret: Cyd, wait. You didn't taste the cake.
Astrid: Heavy metal luau circus! It's like someone read my dream journal!
Shelby: On an unrelated note, I am returning your dream journal.
Chet: We made it to the top of the stairs, Bret.
Bret: Give me a high five, Chet!
(cake falls downstairs)
Norm: I'm starting to accept that as a thing that just happens.
Barry: According to Cyd, I needed a gesture to thank you. So here's a house plant. I hope you're happy.
Naldo: I'm always happy. It's what people like best about me. Well, that and the way my earwax tastes. I think it's gross, but people love it. So what's the plant for?
Barry: It's for helping me with my experiments.
Naldo: That really hurts. I can't believe you said that.
Barry: You're leaving me here to massage the rats? I can't do deep tissue. Some of these rats have sports injuries!
Shelby enters her bedroom where Cyd sits
Shelby: Cyd, you're missing all the fun of our big thank you. The Hawaiian dancers are teaching Bret and Chet how to hula, and Bret and Chet are making them regret every second of it.
Chet: I'm doing the perfect Kaholo, Bret!
Bret: No, I'm doing a perfect Kaholo, Chet!
Shelby: So come on. Let's get down there.
Cyd: No, I don't want to.
Shelby: Are you disappointed because we couldn't do fire? We saw how that turned out. But we avoided the bad future we saw and pulled off an awesome thank you.
Cyd: No, you pulled off an awesome thank you.
Shelby: I took over your thing, didn't I? Look, I'm sorry, I just wanted to help. Come on, let's jump back and redo it and this time, I'll stay out of it.
Jumps to before Cyd gave the plant to Astrid
Cyd: No, it's too late.
Jumps to after
Shelby: It's never too late. We're time travelers!
Jumps to before Cyd gave the plant to Astrid
Cyd: Time travel won't help.
Norm: Did she just say time travel?
Astrid: Oh, Norm, you sound crazy when you say stuff like that.
jumps to after
Shelby: I know what I did wrong. Let me fix it.
Cyd: You don't know what you did wrong 'cause you didn't do anything wrong!
Shelby: Then what's the problem? I'm the problem.
Cyd: I don't fit in with this family.
Shelby: What are you talking about?
Cyd: I don't get your family's jokes, you start eating dinner too soon, I can't tell your brothers apart.
Shelby: Chet's the ladies' man.
Chet: (to hula dancer) 'Sup?
Cyd: I can't even thank your parents the right way. You had to come in and save it so they would like it.
Shelby: None of that matters.
Cyd: It matters 'cause I'm living here now. I come from a family that's not really close. I don't know how to be part of a family that is. And time travel won't fix that.
Barry and Shelby are in the lab
Shelby: And then Cyd stormed off, really upset.
Naldo: Ronaldo stormed off. It's not possible he was upset, is it?
Shelby: Cyd feels like she's not a part of my family.
Barry: Did her storming off look like this?
Shelby: Like a tougher version of that. How can Cyd feel like she's not a part of my family? We love her.
Barry: Is it possible Ronaldo feels like he's not a part of my lab? I mean, with all the zargon gas he's inhaled, my lab is a part of him.
Shelby: I need to do something for Cyd to show her how much we care about her.
Barry: First a thank you, then a gesture, now I have to do something? When the machines rise, all of human interaction will be dispensed with and I tell you that day cannot come soon enough! What are we talking about again?
Shelby: What am I going to do to show Cyd we care? All the rockers and clowns have gone home! And the twins are weeks away from being able to pull off a decent Kaholo hula.
Barry: Really? But it's so simple. Just let your arms feel the island breeze and let your hips guide you to paradise. What are we talking about again?
Kitchen, Cyd walks out of the pantry
Cyd: There's nothing to eat in this house. All those stupid clowns cleaned us out.Free-loading circus freaks.
Shelby: Okay, no need to get offensive.
Cyd: Is that offensive?
Shelby: I don't know, it sounds like it kinda could be.
Cyd: Shelby, I know what you're going to say, and no amount of clowns and jugglers and skywriters and stilt-walkers will make me feel
Shelby: Cyd. Shhh. Let me tell you the story of this burrito. The tortilla is our home. My parents are the rice. My brothers are the beans.
Cyd: Is it because-
Shelby: Yes, it's because. And I am the cheese.
Cyd: Is it because you're cheesy?
Shelby: No, it's because I'm shredded! Yeah, it's 'cause I'm cheesy. And this is our family. And this is you, Cyd. You're the fire. You make it special.
Cyd: That's really sweet, Shelby.
Shelby: And I know you love me, but this doesn't change anything. Thanks for the burrito.
Shelby: Cyd, wait. (they run off, and a fire starts in the kitchen from the candle)
LATER, Shelby and Cyd are back in the burnt kitchen
Shelby: We thought the fire we saw in the future was from your big thank you.
Cyd: But all along it was from your "Feel better burrito."
Bret: I'm not hurt, but I love being carried.
Chet: It's like I'm flying, Bret.
Cyd: Is it bad that I want to be carried by a fireman?
Shelby: Nope, totally get it.
Naldo: Hey, Barry. You wanted to talk?
Barry: Yes, Ronaldo. Here.
Naldo: What's with the burrito?
Barry: It's Shelby's family, and the candle is Cyd.
Naldo: What does that mean?
Barry: I have no idea. I don't understand any of this. You're the one who stormed out because you don't feel like you're part of the lab.
Naldo: I stormed out because I do feel like I'm part of the lab!
Barry: So we're good?
Naldo: Barry, when you gave me that plant, you made me feel like you were paying me to be your friend. I thought we were a team. I thought we were playing scientist together.
Barry: We're not playing scientist.
Naldo: I know! That's why I got so mad! I love playing scientist!
Barry: It's not a game!
Naldo: Not anymore! Renaldo, I'll make you a deal.
Barry: Let's pretend the last two days never happened.
Barry: Why are Cyd and Shelby having so much trouble? This is so easy for us.
Naldo: 'Cause we're dudes.
Barry: True, everything we do makes way more sense. Now let's get these pampered rats their poolside smoothies.
In the kitchen
Astrid: (enters) What the heck happened here?
Shelby: Mom, it's my fault.
Cyd: But I'm the one who threw the candle in the trash.
Shelby: I'm the one who gave her the candle.
Norm: She said she was going to burn down the house and she did it. I wish I had that kinda follow through. This is all my fault.
Cyd: All I wanted was to show you guys how I feel, but I'm not good at that kind of thing. My family doesn't do that. I know they love me, but they're just not that involved. You guys have been so good to me and you've taken me into your home and it all means so much. So, I just wanted to say thank you.
Astrid: Oh, Cyd. that was beautiful.
Shelby: We got a gusher.
Cyd: Stop it.
Shelby: No, I'm talking about him.
Norm: Don't look at me.
Cyd: Do you think we should jump back so that burrito fire never happens?
Shelby: Are you kidding? That burrito fire led to the best thank you this family's ever seen. You totally fit in. Let's not change a thing.
Bret: They're hugging Cyd!
Chet: Let's get in on that, Bret!
Bret and Chet: Aw!
Cyd: (sneaks away from the hug and sits and the counter, then bites into a fake apple) Ugh! It's wax.
Later, in the kitchen
Offstage singer: Baking with my brother! Baking like no other! Baking with my brother! Baking like no other! Sugar, sugar, sugar, so sweet! Put a little flour in the oven for an hour! Frosting, frosting, eggs, eggs. Frosting, frosting, eggs, eggs. Frosting, frosting, eggs, eggs. Making cake! Baking with my brother, yeah!
Norm: How does this mess turn into a cake?
Astrid: They put it all in the oven, and then I switch it out with this.
Norm: I'm going to work.
Astrid: You just got home from work.
Norm: I know what I said.
offstage singer: Baking with my brother, yeah!